It Has Ended

And for once it's all my fault.  Let me explain the last few weeks as best I can remember:

I lost my very good job (35 a year) helpdesk, without a degree.  I was told that any certifications I would need would be paid for.  So I dropped out of school once again, figuring it would only be a semester.  What a great idea that was.  What they really meant when they hired me was that I would learn everything on the job, and that any certifications or training that really mattered or could be traced would not be paid by them, or even recognized unless I had either a degree or an MCSE.

Granted, I learned a lot in that position, but it can't be tracked, no certs, no nothing.  I was the last one to come on to the team, so of course when cuts were made, I was the first to go.

I still remember that day, told that I was being let go because of cutbacks, and then to make matters worse, having to call my very ill girlfriend to not only pick me up, but to also bring a suitcase with her. She had that plague that was going around this winter.

I was in tears, not only because of the decent position I was in, but because I had to wake her up and make her drive a few miles while she was ill.  And of course it was a rainy day.

That night the bed was wet with tears and rain.  I hadn't told her that I dropped out of school, thinking that if I did our relationship would be over.  Tanya would not know until shortly.

I lost my job on Tuesday.  On Thursday I got drunk because I had lost my good job, and was trying to both hide my lie of being in school, and realising that I didn't have enough money to take her out for Valentine's Day.  I bought her (fake) roses, bought her chocolates, fake (I thought) champagne, and a bottle of wine.  It was our third V-day together, and I wanted to go with a bang with what I could.  

That night I thought the champagne was non-alcoholic when it really wasn't.  Not only did it make me not complacent, but I probably ruined what should have been the best day of Tanya's life, the day I that even though I lied about my studies, I was going to promise her the most from myself.  I wasn't going to propose (as I was not about to graduate), but promised more, and was not only going to tell Tanya the truth but why I had been hiding it.  Between not charging my phone that morning when I was going to tell her, she had already found out from my father.  I was going to tell her that morning.  

So now I'm out and another man is in.  Tanya will always hold a special place in my heart.  We'll never be together again, especially  due to recent revelations.  It's weird, when my last gf Amy left me, I knew exactly she who she would go to.  Same with Tanya.  

Oh well, it was my fault.  If I could have done it differently I would have, but it's too late now.